Sunday, May 30, 2010

K-Dub is the Devil

I am the girl with the red hair and the endless supply of red lipstick. But when it comes right down to it? K-Dub is the one in this relationship who is--how you say? oh yes--THE DEVIL. And of course I mean this is in the most loving of ways. But witness this text conversation we had earlier today. And by earlier today, I mean when I rolled my cute little butt out of bed at the crack of 1 pm. (No, I'm not joking.)

KP: How am I supposed to be productive when there's a True Life marathon on MTV?
K-Dub: Hahaha! U rock! I've already gone to an Imax movie, went to Chili's, went grocery shopping , and now I'm making bread. Something is clearly wrong with me today!
(KP's thought: Mmm...Chili's. And bread.)
KP: WTF?!? Clearly you took my energy and used it to eat at Chili's and bake bread! What movie did you see?
K-Dub: Hubble--about a space telescope. My husband loves that stuff.
KP: Oh cool! You're such a good wife going to stuff like that. Meanwhile I'm still in jammies watching iCarly.
K-Dub: Hahaha! That's why you're my hero!
KP: Stop! All of this flattery does nothing for my motivation! And? You're my hero.
K-Dub: LOL! I would never want to help motivate you! Psssssshhhhh!

See?!? The devil. Though, actually....upon examining the evidence it is clear that I really need to get my butt into gear and both of us need to stop reinforcing our far-too-high levels of self-esteem. But then what fun would that be?! If we stopped doing that, then I couldn't call my friend The Devil, when I'm pretty sure that beneath her very pouffy hair there are little red horns hiding.

(A note from KDub) - One of the many things I treasure about our friendship is our mutual lack of shame when it comes to enjoying trashy tv. And although I may be the devil by way of helping KP stay unmotivated, I will leave the Prada-wearing to her fabulousness. This devil wears flip flops, and I am sure KP is ok with that.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

How do you say "YOU'RE WRONG" in Ikalanga?

Preface: I started receiving past-due notices from Alltel last summer for satellite air card service. I have never ever done business with Alltel. They didn't believe me. After numerous calls to their customer service, I decided to write a letter, mostly just to humor myself. I have yet to receive a response. Follows is a copy of the letter.

Dear Ms.-----:

This note is in response to your most recent “Late Notice,” dated September 15, 2009, whereby you stated that I have a past-due balance of $422.00. First of all, let me just say that I have never done business with Alltel. I have called your customer service number four times to tell your representatives the same, but they insist I have an account with you. Apparently your service reps are trained to believe only what is in front of them on the computer screen, and not what comes out your (alleged) customer’s mouths. I find this quite insulting.

The object of your discord is the supposed satellite card for my computer, for which you state I have activated and have been using for well over six months. Seems to me like I would know if I were using satellite internet service. Listen, I live in the Tampa Bay area of Florida, not podunk Idaho. We have 30 different kinds of internet service here, all of which are significantly cheaper than this satellite service you speak of. In fact, there are so many wi-fi signals floating in the air that I hear voices in my head. I think I am picking up inter-space communications between aliens. They try to speak to me, but I don’t always understand what they are saying. I think they are Russian.

I trust that you will investigate my claim that I have never had an account with Alltel. It would be negligent of you not to do so, as you are accusing me of committing the crime of stealing your product and service. The only crimes I have ever committed in my life are crimes of the heart. I have loved too hard, not enough, and on one occasion – too many at once. You know how it is when you are in your 20’s – too much liquor, surrounded by men, you let your guard down and your legs up. Those were the days. Anyway, please investigate this matter further and let me know the outcome. I would like to get this settled before I go on my sabbatical to Botswana next month, where I am travelling in order to learn the Bantu language of the Kalanga tribe. They have six different dialects, and I have chosen to learn Ikalanga. I hope to be fluent in the Kalanga's Ikalanga dialect within a year. If I don’t hear from you before I leave, I will call you upon my return. I’ll run some Kalanga Ikalanga by you and see if you can guess what I am saying. It will be fun.


Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I'll take mothballs for a hundred

I have a new obsession and it is called Estate Sales. If you’ve never been, then let me explain. When someone dies, quite often the family is left to deal with the contents of their dearly departed’s home. Removing a few of grandma’s things is fine, but what is a family to do with 112 capodimonte hummels from HSN? They call in the experts and they sell the entire contents of the house to the public. Crazy people like me stand in line outside the house waiting for the sale to start, hoping to find something special inside besides mothballs and 340 sugar packets from Bob Evans. Let me tell you, when those doors open it’s like the running of the bulls, if bulls were 75 year-olds with blue hair. I actually had an older lady push me out of the way because she thought I was reaching for the same item as she was – a half-empty bottle of Windex. Yes, Windex!! I go to these estate sales looking for antiques, and my competition is little old ladies looking for a deal on Windex. If not for the great source of depression-era glass, I would not put up with such elderly tomfoolery.

I must admit, it is quite eerie to walk into a stranger’s home to buy their belongings after they have died, especially when their pictures are still on the walls. Although the history of their belongings will never be known to me, I try to treat each item I purchase with the respect it deserves. Or I sell it on ebay. Luckily for me (and not so much the deceased) estate sales in Florida are endless. And for now, so is my obsession.

KP's Note: So, um, when I was reading the first paragraph of this post I truly, honestly thought that K-dub was referring to some random reality show that she was currently into. Don't laugh! With shows like Pawn Stars and Antique Road Show, I thought this was the next big thing, not K-dub's newest hobby. For the record, I could never go to an estate sale--I went to an auction once and while the old biddies bidding was quite entertaining, the deeply sorrowful sense that hung over the room was too much for me. But K-dub? If you see some amazing antique earrings, be sure to snatch them up for me!

I prescribe to the theory that life is an adventure and should be treated as such. I am also a high-maintenance diva. While it might seem that these are two opposing viewpoints, I maintain that I, as a diva, can still suck as much marrow out of life as possible--so long as I can look cute while doing so. It's really not that hard. Especially when I get a daily heads-up about life via my horoscope. Each morning I awake to find my daily predictions waiting for me on my cell phone. While I don't always believe them to be true, it's good to be on the lookout in case karma decides favor me unfortunately. Lately, though, I think the cosmos (or the astrology writers working for my cell phone company) have taken a bit of a mental vacation. Or they've taken a cue from K-Dub and are hitting the vino a bit too much. Here are some of my more amusing text horoscopes from the past couple of months:
  • Well, aren't you shinier than a bright new penny! And worth a whole lot more! (I can almost feel the cynicism leaking from their pores. And yes, I recognize that I'm a precious member of society, but thanks for the reminder!)
  • You're unique. There's not a single person who's just like you. Yep, you're special. (Did my snarky posse' of friends write this?)
  • You're sweet like honey and just as natural. you smell good, but rather sticky. (Ok, this just sounds like bad romance novel drivel.)
  • You're good but don't showoff. Showing off isn't good. And you are good. Get it? (Is that a theoretical question? To go along with your circular logic? Did a first year philosophy student hijack Horoscope Central?)
  • You are irresistable. More irresistable than a flower or a good game of football. (I'd like to thank whichever William McKinley High School football player came up with that compliment.)
  • This is the day for some, how to put it, um, mm: love. And you're really into someone. (I would like to note that I just transcribed this word-for-word from my cell phone. If that is what love will be like--all umm-y and mmm-y, then I think I'm fine being a single lady, thankyouverymuch.)
  • For a celebrity sighting look in the mirror! You're a star--and you know it! (Well, duh.)

And my personal favorite:

  • Relaxing is good. Rainbows are good. Rollerblades aren't bad. Romance is good. Rad! (Again, this is exactly what showed up on my cell phone, transcribed word for word. I like how it sounds like a bad haiku, a page from my second-grade diary and dialogue from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles all rolled into one awesome text.)

Perhaps the stars are telling me to put a kibosh on the daily astrological heads-up. But if that's the message they're trying to send, then they need to try harder because with gems like these, I will never EVER unsubscribe. Ever. Because, like my friendship with K-Dub and my ever-growing obsession with Glee, daily horoscopes? They're rad.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Our posse'

The fabulous K-Dub and I have been friends for a while. We met while working for an, um, interesting corporation that neither of us felt entirely loyal to. So in between sight visits, we spent our time gossiping about celebrities, eating lots of junk food and laughing at ourselves (and occasionally the people by whom we were surrounded). I knew we'd be friends on her first day at the office when she came to my desk with a serious look on her face.

K-Dub: Promise me something?
KP: Umm...sure?
K-Dub: Promise me that you'll tell me IMMEDIATELY if my zipper is down, ok?

I knew we'd be fast friends. And we've gone strong ever since, despite the fact that I quit my job and gallavanted off to grad school and she quit her job and ran away to Florida (where she currently stalks the St. Petersburg monkey). Our friendship has grown steadily since our days of cheese and celebrities because we're committed to harassing each other via email, text and Facebook. It's a lovely friendship.

During the course of our technological friendship, we started to compose a list of people we want to be friends with. Here now is that wish list. I want to note that with the two of us, things change frequently based on our whims and fickle nature, so I'm sure we'll add to it (or edit people from it) as time goes on. But in a perfect world these people would be in our K-Squared Posse':
  • Kathy Griffin. We adore anyone who can be both self-depracating and hilarious. She's a fame-whore and proud of it. We like that. And we're not afraid to grovel at her feet to be in our posse'. Or just to have an appearance on My Life on the D-List.
  • Jen Lancaster. If you don't know who she is, then we're both disowning you as friends. She is brilliant and hilarious and sarcastic and gets paid to say the things the two of us wish we could say without repercussion. We recommend buying all of her books stat, but if you don't want to do that you should at least check out her blog, Jennsylvania. Seriously, we have mad love for her and her mad love of reality tv. If we had it our way, Jen would visit us weekly and we'd drink wine and watch lots of Tivo'd reality shows together. And our lives would be complete.
  • Lady Gaga. Because she doesn't give a flying fudgeball what people think and the gays love her. Plus we can't get Bad Romance out of our heads. And we want her to teach us how to dance. (Sidenote: we came up with the idea to enlist her into our posse' while watching The Grammys.
    K-Dub: She should be in our posse'! Her performance was amazing!
    KP: YES! And I can steal her starry-orbity dress thingy!
    K-Dub: YES! Maybe she'll write a BAD ROMANCE with us! HAHAHAHAHA!!)
  • Jane Lynch. Nobody can play a character like Sue Sylvester without having a little of her edge in real life. She, too, can get away with saying things that most people would get fired for. Plus we dig the fact that she's fighting the good fight for the LGBT community.
  • Tina Fey. Another whip-smart woman on our list. Surprise surprise. Have you not seen 30 Rock? It's pure brilliance! Plus she could help us come up with smart ways to insult the dumb people in our lives.
  • Teresa from The Real Housewives of New Jersey. We like her talk of "bubbies" and the fact that she spends money like she's the Queen of England. We'd live vicariously through her. And secretly hope she'd buy us some crazy-expensive furniture.

When all is said and done, we'd be friends with anyone who'll either bring us cupcakes or make us laugh if they're not on the above list. So what I'm trying to say is most people in this world could probably be in our posse'. But we dream big and dammit, we want to host a dinner party where Gaga and Teresa sit across from one another and debate the merits of feminism in the 21st century. Wouldn't you?

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Dear Lindsay Lohan

I do not understand why you are sunning on the beaches of Cannes when you have not completed your court ordered say-no-to-alcohol-classes. You have a court date tomorrow to review your progress! Maybe it's just me, but shouldn't your first priority be to make sure you stay out of jail? They don't serve cocaine in jail, Linsday. You will not do well there. Seriously though, you need to start listening to the adults in your life (except your parents, as they are bigger train wrecks than you), and get your act together. You say that you are doing great, yet you aren't even doing the bare minimum to make sure you remain free. Just think of your glory days when you starred in Mean Girls, Freaky Friday, and Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. I miss that Linsday, and you should, too. You have officially taken over the "crazy" role from Britney. I am not happy about this. The saddest part of this mess is that you will not be able to twitter from the pokey. That hurts, Lindsay. A LOT.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

For My Entertainment

After watching Adam Lambert's "For Your Entertainment" for the 267891st time, I've come to the conclusion that I want a boyfriend like him. No, not gay. (I already have about 12 gay boyfriends. Hi, boys!!) But hot. And not afraid to push boundaries. And act little naughty. Granted, I could do without the leather-spiked wardrobe, but apart from that Adam is hot. He clearly knows who he is and what he wants. And that? Is hot.

So yeah. I'm just putting it into The Universe. A boyfriend like Glambert wouldn't be the worst thing in the world for me. I'm just sayin'.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Our new idol

You gotta hand it to Betty White--she's worked successfully in the entertainment business for over fifty years, starred in one of the most beloved sitcoms of all time and is a in a sea of successful actors and actresses. And thanks to Facebook, she can not only add "SNL Host" to her stellar resume, but she can bullet-point that with the fact that she gave the show it's highest ratings in two years. Not bad for an 88 year-old woman.

And not only did she give the other hosts this season a run for their money (I'm looking at you, John Hamm and Megan Fox--your stints were lackluster at best), but she killed every scene she was in. And she had the women alum from the past 15 years clamoring to be in a scene with her. Amy Poehler, Ana Gasteyer and Molly Shannon all looked more than a little starry-eyed during various portions of the show. And no, I don't blame them. This woman is amazing and while I may be jumping on the Betty Bandwagon a little late (though I did join the Facebook group that advocated for her hosting gig days after it was invented--go me!), I'm declaring myself to have a new hero. Any woman who can get on live television in her twilight years and talk about balls and muffins with a straight face has my undying love and affection. I only hope I'm half as feisty as Ms. White when I'm a card-carrying member of the AARP.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Be dazzled

My life is far too crazy to post anything legitimate or reflective so for the moment I'll just leave the world with this lovely little text exchange I had with my friend earlier today...

Friend: What size ring do you wear?
Me: It depends on the finger, but generally a size 8.
Friend: Do you like big stones?
Me: I like anything shiny. You know this!
Friend: Ok good. I got you a present!

The lesson to take from this? I like presents and shiny things. This is not new news, but I feel it's worth repeating in case anyone else is feeling generous.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Monday, May 3, 2010

A little texting between friends

(Said in my Jack Bauer Voice): The following takes place between the hours of 11:56 pm and 12:02 a.m - while in mid-text conversation ...

KP: That's exciting! It must feel good to have a plan in motion.
KD: What's even more exciting is that bottle of Kahlua Mudslide in my refrig that I really want to go hit. Woud I have issues if I were to get out of bed to drink?
KP: Why else would you get out of bed? I think it's more than legit. Better than getting up to go to the bathroom. Pssh! Hahaha!
KD: Well said. But let me be a cautionary tale. Don't take after me. Save your liver before it's too late. Mine's already pickled in vodka.
KP: You're my hero.

More ...
KD: Did you watch The Office?
KP: I did. Erin is craaaazy! But I loved the Cookie Monster plotline. Hahaha!
KD: Jim's impression of Kevin was hysterical. BTW - I am twittering with Kirstie Alley right now! I can see this easily getting out of control!
KP: When you say twittering with her do you mean she's talking back? Or that you are sending her tweets in hopes of becoming tweeting bff's?
KD: Oh, I meant twittering to her. She hasn't responded, but she will. When she does, you will know! Twittering may be my new purpose in life! hahahaha!
KP: Hahahahaha! Twitter = new purpose in life! Awesome!

Why we are Gleeks .. even via text!
KD: I think my cat's been reading my diary!
KP: I was going to text you the same thing! The songs have been great though. I loved the ballad duet.
KD: Yes, great music. But I don't like sad tears during my favorite show!
KD: Now I'm really in tears!
KP: Sobbing! Sobs! Lots of tears! That is one of the best moments on the show thus far. How incredibly profound and beautiful.
KD: Sing it! We are beautiful no matter what they say ....

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Recipe for Fabulousness

Last week my staff members decided that they wanted to do a potluck. At 10 o'clock at night. Because that's how they roll. And that's why I love them. To show my love I wanted to make them something fabulous for our appetizer/dessert potluck so I pulled out a recipe my aunt gave me for caramel corn. It's sugary, it's buttery and it's mouth-meltingly sinful in its delicious-ness. And amazingly, it turned out the way it was meant to be, meaning I didn't burn or otherwise damage the fine ingredients (or myself or my lovely apartment) in the recipe. This brings the total number of things I can successfully whip up to a grand total of nine. Yes, nine. I am going to examine the nine culinary miracles that I have somehow managed to master despite my hopeless domestic disability.

1.) Pannakkakua. An old Finnish dish that consists of everything that people tell you is bad for you: butter, whole milk, eggs, and sugar whipped and frothed into an incredibly delicious breakfast food. My friends have stolen my mom's recipe and passed it off as their own, which is only alright because it really is that good and more people need to know about it.

2.) Fudge. My mom is famous for her fudge; she only makes it around the holidays and I'm pretty sure people would either throw gobs of money at her or kill other people to get a couple of tiny pieces. I finally understood why when I saw the ingrediant list and set out to make it with my friend. I follow the tradition and will only make it in December and only for my friends. If they're good.

3.) Stir-fry. One of the only transferrable skills I took from Home Ec was recalling how to make a delicious stir fry sans wok. (Though purchasing a wok might help things.) I feel healthy whenever I eat it, which is at least once or twice a week since it's one of the only things I can make.

4.) Fruit pizza. Ok, so this isn't the most difficult of recipes, but for some reason all of my friends love it when I make it. I think it's because the cream cheese "sauce" is ridiculously good. Sometimes I just make that and cut up fruit to bring to get-togethers. Yum.

5.) Taco salad. THE thing my mom is known for--she makes it at least once a month for church potlucks and ends up bringing double and triple batches to graduation, birthday and other various parties. The recipe makes a huge batch of it, so I always have to improvise and figure out how to halve it or gift it.

6.) Fondue. Both cheese AND chocolate--though not together. I've been obsessed with fondue since I went to The Melting Pot in 2004 for the first time. It's so freakin' good. Especially the cheese one that I make because it's a meal in itself. It's a good recipe to have on-hand when I want to do something celebratory and a little more special.

7.) Pesto. I decided out-of-the-blue to learn to make this one day and it astounded me how simple it was to make a seemingly gourmet meal from basil, olive oil and parmesan cheese. It's a fantastic summer staple and I love that chicken can easily be added to it.

8.) Baked brie. Another recipe I learned on a whim after forking over $10 to my favorite East Lansing restaurants too often for this appetizer. Everyone who loves cheese loves this. Paired with some good crackers and apple slices, it's a fantastic dish to bring to parties and it never fails to impress everyone.

Upon reviewing the list, I realize that many of the dishes and recipes are for sharing and/or not good meals. Yes. True. But I can cook meats and make salads so I'm not living off of fudge and cheese-based foods. But the listed items really are the only recipes I've ever been able to conquer. That should probably change. Then again, there's always take-out...