Wednesday, February 16, 2011

My eyes can only take so much

There are some things I never want to see again: Gwenyth Paltrow singing with Cee Lo Green, Taylor Lautner with a shirt on, and anything with the words 'Mel Gibson' in it. I ESPECIALLY never want to see THIS train wreck again:

(I keep my eyes closed and arms crossed while fantasizing about Niles. It's a coping mechanism.)

I almost hurled my tossed salad and scrambled eggs. Kelsey Grammer sucking the tonsils out of his mistress/girlfriend/fiance's throat at JFK is enough to make anyone have a bad case of air sickness - or in this case - ground sickness. Judging by her body language, the M/G/F concurs. I mostly feel bad for the foreign tourists whose last impression of this great country before boarding their planes was a scene straight out of a Woody Allen movie. On behalf of the people of the United States of America, I apologize.

Kelsey, please button up your shirt the next time you're in public, then take some of that Fraiser money and do us all a public service by staying out of public view. If you must go out, surround yourself with body guards, for cripes sake. That's what they're there for - to protect both you and the public from irreparable harm. It may be too late for me, but I would greatly appreciate your efforts in protecting the next generation.

And for the love of David Hyde Pierce, if you do go out in public, please PLEASE don't play kissy kissy in the airport airport anymore. I must use this mode of transportation on occasion, and there are not enough bars in the Delta terminal to erase the memory of this level of grossness. You've gone off the deep end by cheating on your wife and thinking that these young blonde things want you for your balding, pot-bellied self, and I really don't think Roz will be happy about this.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Banishment: The price you pay for being a Gigolo

(I must stand like this or the little Ricos will fall out of the hole in my pants.)

Remember the Rico Suave guy? You know, the hot guy from the 90’s named Gerardo? The one with the bandana, unbuttoned flannel shirt, ripped jeans, and rock hard abs that could cut your tongue? Well I thought of him today. Out of the blue. I was sitting at my desk and for no reason at all I thought, “whatever happened to the Rico Suave guy?” Just like that. It was like my very own VH-1 “Where Are They Now” special. I know this may be the first indication of early onset dementia, but I’ll deal with that at a later date.

After pondering all the possibilities of where the Rico Suave guy could have gone, I started wondering why he popped into my head at all. Riiiiiiico. Suaaaave. I’m not afraid to admit that lots of superfluous things go through my head during the day. For example, I often think about tacos, wine, naughty stuff, baseball, and Glee. (I might just be turning into a gay man.) But why Gerardo? Why? He hit his popularity peak in 1991 and hasn’t been heard from since. So why think of him now? The only explanation I can come up with is this: Gerardo is from Ecuador. Ecuador is located right next to Colombia. Colombia produces coffee. I like coffee. Far reaching, I know. But that's all I got.

(I feel so dirty, but I cannot bathe. The water will ruin my home perm. Why is that women in my tub?)

So where HAS Gerardo been? Did he join the Russian Menudo? Why did he disappear after taking the United States by storm and becoming a national treasure? I asked Google those very questions. Surprisingly, there was actual information on this tall, tanned hunk of girly man. According to sources at, Gerardo was spotted by a turnip farmer named Juan Alomar, in Villanueva, New Mexico, circa 2008. At first sight, Alomar thought he spotted a coyote, but upon closer inspection he confirmed that the subject in question was in fact Gerardo. So to erase our worse fears, it is confirmed that Gerardo is still alive. However, goes on to say that the supposed existence of the pop star has fueled debate in the scientific community for the last 17 years. Dr. Edmond Ray, Professor of Abnormal Biology at New Mexico State University, remains doubtful of Gerado's existence: "Gerardo is a purely mythical creature, like Jon Secada. Every year, I investigate wild claims of people spotting Gerardo or members of the original Menudo. These 'pop stars' have not existed for decades and quite possibly never existed in the first place. They are a figment of our collective imagination."

So that explains it. Gerardo is nothing more than a figment of my imagination. It is, after all, Monday. The events of the weekend tend to catch up to me in a funny way on Mondays. If I am going to have some mythical figure randomly pop into my head, it might as well be a hot and greasy Ecuadorian with better hair than mine, right? It could be worse. I could have daydreamed of Rerun from 'What's Happening.'

Finally, in closing, I give you this: “So please don’t judge a book by its cover. There’s more to being a latin lover. You got to know how to deal with a woman that won’t let go. The price you pay for being a gigolo. Riiiiiiico. Suaaave.” You’re welcome.