Saturday, May 29, 2010

How do you say "YOU'RE WRONG" in Ikalanga?

Preface: I started receiving past-due notices from Alltel last summer for satellite air card service. I have never ever done business with Alltel. They didn't believe me. After numerous calls to their customer service, I decided to write a letter, mostly just to humor myself. I have yet to receive a response. Follows is a copy of the letter.

Dear Ms.-----:

This note is in response to your most recent “Late Notice,” dated September 15, 2009, whereby you stated that I have a past-due balance of $422.00. First of all, let me just say that I have never done business with Alltel. I have called your customer service number four times to tell your representatives the same, but they insist I have an account with you. Apparently your service reps are trained to believe only what is in front of them on the computer screen, and not what comes out your (alleged) customer’s mouths. I find this quite insulting.

The object of your discord is the supposed satellite card for my computer, for which you state I have activated and have been using for well over six months. Seems to me like I would know if I were using satellite internet service. Listen, I live in the Tampa Bay area of Florida, not podunk Idaho. We have 30 different kinds of internet service here, all of which are significantly cheaper than this satellite service you speak of. In fact, there are so many wi-fi signals floating in the air that I hear voices in my head. I think I am picking up inter-space communications between aliens. They try to speak to me, but I don’t always understand what they are saying. I think they are Russian.

I trust that you will investigate my claim that I have never had an account with Alltel. It would be negligent of you not to do so, as you are accusing me of committing the crime of stealing your product and service. The only crimes I have ever committed in my life are crimes of the heart. I have loved too hard, not enough, and on one occasion – too many at once. You know how it is when you are in your 20’s – too much liquor, surrounded by men, you let your guard down and your legs up. Those were the days. Anyway, please investigate this matter further and let me know the outcome. I would like to get this settled before I go on my sabbatical to Botswana next month, where I am travelling in order to learn the Bantu language of the Kalanga tribe. They have six different dialects, and I have chosen to learn Ikalanga. I hope to be fluent in the Kalanga's Ikalanga dialect within a year. If I don’t hear from you before I leave, I will call you upon my return. I’ll run some Kalanga Ikalanga by you and see if you can guess what I am saying. It will be fun.

Sincerely,
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