Not quite the Mile High Club

True story - circa 2005: Picture this - me on an airplane to California. I am sitting in the middle seat of a row with 3 seats. During the refreshment leg of the trip orange juice is spilled. I sop it up with my airplane napkin, along with the one my window seat neighbor gave me. A bit later, the flight attendant walks by collecting trash. Not wanting the nice man sitting in the aisle seat to have to touch my soaked napkins, I decided to make a free throw over the guy's lap and into the trash bag. Trouble is - I missed. Not only did I miss the trash bag, but my orange-juice-soaked napkins fell right on to the starched khaki crotch of aisle seat guy. Acting on pure instinct, I grabbed the napkins as quickly as possible. However, not only did I grab the napkins, I grabbed his penis at the same time. Yeah. And I don't mean that I brushed up against it or kinda sorta grazed it while grabbing at the napkins. I fisted the whole thing and yanked it in my haste to get the napkins off of him as quickly as possible. It was like non-consensual foreplay. When I yanked the guy, he jumped up with a look of absolute horror on his face. I apologized profusely, and he just kept saying it was alright. We didn't speak after that. He just sat there staring straight ahead, but I swear I caught him watching me with his peripheral vision. Needless to say, the rest of the flight was awkward. In retrospect it was one of the most entertaining flights I have ever been on. I got to second base on an airplane with a stranger and am quite proud of it. It's just too bad he wasn't into it, because I could have used my very expensive bottle of airport water to clean that orange juice stain off of his khakis.