It took my parents 2 days of watching me crawl around the house for them to realize that I had a problem. I can still feel where I broke my foot whenever I am performing my ninja duties.
It has also been said that the more severe the environment, the more intensive the deterioration. This means that objects are aging faster and therefore the corresponding virtual age is larger than the chronological. My virtual age has been determined to be 509 years old. This explains why I pee myself.
I tend to hurt myself whenever participating in anything physical. A large percentage of my injuries have involved balls. This is probably why I didn't get married until the age of 32. Basketballs, softballs, ping pong balls (that was an internal injury), and soccer balls seem to always be involved. This has led me to the conclusion that sports should only be played while sitting on the couch.
After getting into a car accident caused by an old man eating donuts, the rate of my deterioration sped up exponentially. On the positive side, this accident led to the law that forbids old people from driving while eating donuts. If they blow a blood sugar level of over .002, they will be charged with driving under the influence of donuts (DUIOD).
The occupational hazards of sitting cannot be overstated. While sitting at my desk at work, I leaned too far forward in my chair and caused something in my back to pop. The searing pain was enough to make me want to fall to the floor and cry like a baby. But because the 5-second rule applies to people, I am quite confident that my co-workers would have just circled around me to take pictures. The worst part was that this incident interfered with the time I allocate at work for facebooking and paying my bills.
My deterioration has finally gotten to the point of acceptance. I am no longer surprised by any harm that comes my way. Luckily I have discovered the medicinal value of liquor and am medicated most evenings. So although I am falling apart at the seams and even get heart palpitations that remind me of its eventual failure, I am far from upset. I am just happy to be alive and will continue to spend my days looking forward to my next dose of "medicine."
Chronological vs. Virtual age, internal ping pong injuries... such a crack up! I suggest you keep your hilarity up. They say that's what keeps us young and with that level of immaturity I'd imagine you'll never get old. Works for me because we know how I feel about the seniors and I'd hate to hate you!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the laugh - nicely done,
Mich